After the romantic dust of my marriage settled, fundamental life questions surfaced when my closest friend died in a car accident. As I grieved, my husband, Dana, comforted me as best he could. However, when I talked about my need for God and Church, he was silent. Eventually, he told me that while he did not mind if I wanted religion again, he would not participate. Ten years into our marriage, I not only forged my way back to faith alone, but embarked on a life-changing spiritual quest. Through years of confusion, I prayed and suffered in silence as I tried to reconcile my love for God and for my non-participant husband. I worried about my role in Dana’s salvation and agonized over how to raise our children in the faith alone. Years passed until I finally made peace with my anxieties. I eventually received four transforming insights.

First, after a few years married, it is common to experience a spiritual awakening. Upon completion of confirmation classes or during college, many drift away from their faith. When thoughts turn to marriage, faith is frequently downplayed. We may accept the naïve presumption that love is all you need. Later, perhaps after the birth of a child or two, it is common to experience a need for church again. Frequently, those who return are surprised to discover a treasury of meaning in their renewed faith. Along with elation, however, thoughts may linger about the negative effects this will have on a marriage. Second, authentic spirituality is not divisive. As my inner life grew, I felt an increasing distance betweenDana and me. When I tried to describe my feelings to a friend, he quoted Jesus: “I have come to bring not peace but the sword…and one’s enemies will be those of his household(Matthew 10:34-36).” Though discouraged, with the help of prayer and a spiritual director, I found deeper meaning in this biblical passage. I learned that even though our incompatible religious beliefs could feel insurmountable, time quells the fear. Like marriage, we commit to God for the long haul. It is natural to sometimes experience tension.

Third, the inner journey is a solitary journey. In another scripture passage, Jesus says there is no marriage in heaven (Mark 12:25). If we look at this as a blueprint for our spiritual journey, then an important insight is revealed. While there are many companions on the outer journey, no one can walk the inner path with us. While we can try to describe our personal relationship with God, no one (not even our spouse) can share this experience completely. God calls each of us into a mystical marriage, demanding that we forsake all others. And fourth, all relationships mirror the divine relationship. All relationships teach us about God. Can we observe the divine in everyone? Equipped with a bigger vision, we welcome the challenges of living with those who, without words, can teach us about the subtleties of God’s presence. Meanwhile, spiritual directors and friends can help us process our complex relationship with God. Frequently, others serve this need better than those with whom we live.

If you are experiencing a spiritual awakening while married to someone on a different page, take heart. The challenge of living a God-centered life provides an opportunity to repeatedly experience what it means to fall in love — with your spouse, your faith, and the Lord. When God means something different to your spouse, it is not the end of the world but rather thebeginning of a profound encounter with love’s sacred mysteries.

Pastor’s Note
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