Honor your father and mother (Exodus 20:12). What nugget of wisdom does the Fourth Commandment teach us? Today, some parents and children are estranged. Others wish their parents were alive to honor them. But the following story shows how delightfully some children still honor their parents. Jan celebrated her sixtieth birthday with friends, far from her children who lived in five different states. She told her kids: “No gifts. All I need are memories of you.” Then the postal service delivered a special box. Within it were sixty slips of paper on which Jan’s children had written sixty special memories. She read and cherished each one, mixing laughter and tears.

Why honor our parents? In the world of the Bible and in good homes now, parents provide images of trust, hope, and serenity that enable the young to face formidable obstacles. To their children, they convey the message, spoken or unspoken: “You are loved. You are wonderful.” All humans are constantly making the passage from the known to the unknown. Parents who have endured disappointment, even tragedy, can help their offspring travel that passage with dignity. They say: “We have made mistakes. We have lost our jobs, our health, or our dearest loves. But it didn’t kill us. Something in people endures, continues to trust, and moves forward in confidence.”

Furthermore, parents are memory keepers. When their children hit snags, they remind them of what glorious people they are. And if humor, perspective, or packages from home can lighten the load, they give those, too. The wisest parents honor their children in turn. They count on their children’s good sense to pilot them through difficulties, so they restrain their so-called “free advice.” They clarify the boundaries of their role: providing safe harbors, but holding the ropes loosely. They encourage children to explore God’s beautiful world, not burdening them with unnecessary anxiety. They recognize the arenas where the young have more expertise, inviting them to shine there.

Many parents struggle with handing on their faith to a generation that seems unenthusiastic at best. There, too, honor comes in. Realizing the gift of faith, no matter how important, cannot be coerced or controlled, parents can follow the advice of Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton. Agonizing over her son’s shenanigans, she once said: “What’s a mother to do but pray and dote, pray and dote?” If the roles of parent and child seem too idealized, we need only look to Jesus and his mother for role models. The wedding at Cana provides the perfect example of their honoring each other. Mary wisely tells Jesus of the need: “They have no wine.” Then she backs off. She trusts his instincts to resolve the crisis.

Despite his reservations, Jesus in turn honors his mother. Whether he was responding to her or to the couple’s dire need, we may never know. Despite the exhaustion and pain of his passion, Jesus continues to honor Mary, making sure even from the cross that his beloved disciple would continue to carefor her. In Jesus’ day, women with no son or husband for protection often became desperate beggars. Knowing that sad reality, Jesus makes sure that John will take her into his home. Saint Ignatius imagined that the first appearance of Jesus after the resurrection, although not recorded in scripture, must surely have been to Mary. As parents and children who follow Jesus, we are called to do likewise.

About the Author: Kathy Coffey is an award-winning author, educator, and retreat leader. She is also a regular contributor to Bringing Home the Word, a weekly resource for families that encourages prayer and reflection based on scripture and tradition. A new edition is posted every Saturday at the link below.

CCGR Weekly Newsletter (12-29-19) 
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Sunday Soundbites: Feast of the Holy Family

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A Prayer for Peace

By Pope Francis