It is sometimes hard to say, I’m sorry. Maybe it’s a pride thing. We want to believe that we’re good people, and rightly or wrongly, admitting fault calls that into question. Plus, it leaves us vulnerable. There is always a chance that the other person will not accept our apology. We no longer have control over the direction of the relationship; we have given control over to someone else.

However, as difficult as it is to say, I’m sorry, it is even more difficult to say, I forgive you. In fact, most people do not say it at all. They tend to say, It’s okay, or Don’t worry about it, even though it is clearly not okay or an apology would not even be necessary. The words, I forgive you, seem incredibly presumptuous. It is as if we are putting ourselves on a pedestal of self-righteousness: Look at me. I’m so holy. I can forgive you. It almost seems better for the relationship to pretend it was all square in the first place.

At a deeper level, though, those three words are so challenging because they actually require a change of heart. They are hard to say because we often do not want to forgive. We would rather gloss over the offense and pretend to dismiss it while secretly burying it in a deep emotional hole, where we can dig it up and mull over it at our leisure. But the hardest words to say are often the most important. I’m sorry and I forgive you are gifts of self. An apology is a gift of one’s vulnerability. Forgiveness is an unconditional love. In both cases, simply saying the words changes our hearts.

There are words within the sacraments of the Church that are “efficacious.” They do not require an accompanying action. The words themselves are the action. When your confessor says, Your sins are forgiven, that’s it. The words have done the work (See Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1131). Lay people cannot forgive the sins of others, but our words do have great power to move our own hearts. It is almost impossible to say I forgive you, for instance, to someone who has hurt you unless you really mean it. Just try it sometime!

Of course, it is not always so simple. Some wounds are fathoms deep. They are layered by time, distance, and severity. But choosing repentance and forgiveness in the relationship of the here and now might well be the key to unlocking healing for older, deeper hurts as well. It brings us all closer to the heart of God, whose forgiveness and mercy know no bounds.

About the Author: Kathleen M. Basi is a composer, musician, essayist, and disability rights activist. She is also a wife and mother of four children, one of whom lives with Down Syndrome. Kathleen is a regular contributor to Bringing Home the Word, an e-newsletter that features suggestions for prayer and reflection for the Home Church. A new edition is posted every weekend! Click link below!

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Words That Change Hearts
Sharing God’s Love & Mercy